| brian carroll on Tue, 7 Aug 2001 10:47:51 +0200 (CEST) |
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| [Nettime-bold] Automadness: Terrors of EM Research |
[the following is written out of necessity to force change upon the situation that presents itself. it is not a piece about a private view of a private subject, a private conversation. although it has been this for many years, as one tries to do whatever they can not to complain. but when there is absolutely no possibility to go forward, then it seems time to restrategize and change the rules. the people named in this article, and the organizations, are being critiqued in a way they never have been. it has been years of trying to avoid writing this story, but it is the last thing that can be done. and it is not bothersome to see these people whom, bit by bit, have taken away the possibility of change, to have to account for their actions, as others like myself have had to change, dramatically, always for the worse. to concede, in order to survive. so too, will those who are guiding the ship now have to listen to the winds else they may find themselves shipwrecked with sharks all around. any collaborations are appreciated. time to make some change. here is my contribution to dissenting the loss of human freedoms]... A U T O B I O G R A P H Y O F M A D N E S S TERRORS OF ELECTROMAGNETIC RESEARCH public story. public facts. public individual. public domain. no copyright. 2001. no permissions necessary. please redistribute. brian thomas carroll. electromagnetic researcher. a work in progress. version 8.7.2001 http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 0-- THE MYTHIC SCHIZOPHRENIC ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 1-- HYPOCRISY OF BUREAUCRATIC DEMOCRACY ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 2-- INDEPENDENT ARCHITECTURAL RESEARCH ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 3-- ASCII ARCHITECTURE ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 4-- NO IDEOLOGICAL EXIT ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 5-- CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 6-- THE ELECTROMAGNETIC LOBOTOMY ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 7-- MULTIMEDIATED ARCHITECTURE ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 8-- ARCHITECTURAL DEBATE (SIC) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 9-- SOCIALIZED INSECURITY ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 10- ARCHITEXTUALIZING ELECTRICITY ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 11- PUBLIC DISINFORMATION ZONE ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 12- ELECTROMAGNETIC INTERNETWORKING ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 13- THE PURGING OF PUBLIC DISSENT ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 14- SEEING NO CHANGE ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 15- THE LAST OF THE FREE RADICALS ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 16- GOALS FOR TODAY / contact information ------------------------------------------------------------------------ This website documents the path of an individual human being in their attempt to understand the cultural role of electromagnetism in the field of architecture. Seemingly fictive, it publicly documents the travails of an 'undisciplined' student on their public journey in search of architecture, into madness and beyond. The purpose of this individual's research work is to assist ordinary citizens in understanding complex electromagnetic phenomena within the everyday environment. And yet this work has been censored in the University; the person deemed insane for 'thinking differently'; administered electroshock treatments so as to fit back into 'normal' society; institutionalized inside bureaucracies of economic, social, and political bondage; discriminated against for challenging the status quo; surveilled by ideological opponents whom have read private e-mail, shut down two public e-mail lists, hacked their web server, defaced their website, damaged their personal computer, destroyed the computer hardware, and corrupted the software used to continue this unique electromagnetic research endeavor. As a direct result, this researcher has been unable to function, to stay employed, and has had their physical health deteriorate to the point of collapse, in order to be 'renormalized'. They can no longer continue their research of electromagnetism until help from the public arrives. This human being is now seeking to live outside the USA so as to be able to continue their work which pursues public goals without fear of oppression, something impossible to imagine from where they exist today. All of these events have led to life-threatening health and welfare problems for this individual, and they have no other option but to tell their story of the last ten years in hopes that other people will recognize this individual continues to be actively denied their basic human rights as a citizen of the world, and will legally argue, if necessary, that they have been tortured as it is defined by the United Nations Convention Against Torture (1984), Article 1(1). This claim is not idle, nor against any one individual, but against an entire cultural system as it is accumulated in the separate actions of many in positions of authority and power over time. This injustice must be recognized by others in order to change its predetermined outcome. This biography is not personal in nature, a private grievance unique to one person. Instead it publicly documents a system of Automated Madness which is working against all of humanity and is actively destroying the democratic rights and freedoms of individuals in this human republic. This researcher is in dire need of public support from fellow citizens of the world, and this is their last stand. They have tried everything to avoid this confrontation. but given no other choice, they are not ashamed to speak truth to the total authority of power over that of truth that exists in the world today. Please suspend judgment, read this story, and consider for yourself what these facts present. If you then choose to support the work of this individual human being, please send your support as soon as is possible, as a public opportunity needs to open up fast within these storied ruins, as time, energy, and resources have long run out. Contact information is below for those who want to help keep this public research effort alive. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 0-- THE MYTHIC SCHIZOPHRENIC ------------------------------------------------------------------------ SPACETIME: 1970-1990, Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA EVENTs & ANALYSIS: grow up in conservative and insular environment. go to the University of Minnesota while living in parents home. stress from clashing worldviews of upbringing and that of the larger world. question theological upbringing, in order to think independently. Thus, two worlds collide in daily life, one of the traditional past and a new cultural order. An impossible situation to resolve in the present moment, and harder yet to rationalize without any distance inbetween the oppositions. Paradox reigned supreme, in gray matter, and age-old unanswerable questions were flowing... some later digital work directly relates to what was learned from this early experience: * identity: philosophy, metaphysics, alchemy http://www.architexturez.com/site/identity/ HEALTH: diagnosed with bi-polar depression and actively administered anti-depressant drugs while attending college as a preventative measure, so as to remain within the irrational and counter-productive educational system. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 1-- HYPOCRISY OF BUREAUCRATIC DEMOCRACY ------------------------------------------------------------------------ SPACETIME: 1990-1994, on and off, University of Minnesota, Minneapolis, USA College of Architecture & Landscape Architecture (CALA) EVENTs & ANALYSIS: attempt to fit into architecture school 3 times with no success. ideas did not fit well within the corporatized studio-driven educational model, which does not allow for basic research. imagination, while good for design, was a negative in that i 'did the opposite of everyone else' and was called 'schizophrenic' for work i pursued. never did anything 'right', in an esoteric type of moral-architectural truth. for example, in a course on environmental systems, by including noise from airplanes and cars, and pollution from the busy streets next to a famous architect's library, my work was chided by the teacher as i was disrespecting authority by bringing up these issues in my homework, well within the range of reasoning... . during one of my three times leaving architectural school an architectural teacher whom i once admired, Andrzej Piotrowski , told me in no uncertain terms that i could never study, understand, nor know 'Architecture' outside of the University. i disagreed, may have called it 'dogma' as he liked to say to me, and proceeded to leave school, considered a failure. wrote to this teacher later regarding my work but was never responded to, as i was no longer a part of the institution, even though i was doing public architectural work. this professor has just published a book from the University Press on Architectural Discipline and Authority. This is highly disturbing in that while he may understand power, he lacks a broader truth. This is amongst the gravest insults i have encountered in my journeys, the betrayal of truth by power, and the takeover of public education by a privatized despotism. . well-known urban planner William Morrish met with me during his after class hours. Morris had a class similar to the book Defining Community: A Neighborhood Perspective which "... identifies and synthesizes the ideas, strategies, and partnerships that Minneapolis residents are generating through a wide variety of neighborhood planning processes, particularly the Neighborhood Revitalization Program (NRP)." at that time i was working for the University of Minnesota's Center for Urban and Regional Affairs (CURA) for the NRP in Minneapolis' Phillips neighborhood as a housing researcher and was actually doing the work the class was about. the class project i presented expanded the local media infrastructure to empower the community, such as with freenets, bulletin board systems (BBS), and community radio. my work was considered 'confusing' to the Teaching Assistant, as they did not understand it (or what a computer network was), and i received a poor grade. When i went to talk with the professor about this, he confided something to the effect that school was not the time for working on your own ideas. that it would take fifteen years, and if i wanted to work on my own ideas it may be better to leave school. i was ready to do my thesis at the end of grade1 and had 3 years to wait before i could, and even then i would not be able to pursue `basic research' dealing the role of electrification within the built environment, but instead would be 'designing' a building for a fictional client. thus, i was told in so many words by Morris that my personal (public) architectural ideas did not belong in a University college of architecture, and that i'd have to leave to work on these ideas. he said this with compassion and pragmatism, and i appreciated his honesty. yet, for me this was a cultural death sentence, being a student without a degree, with no hope of working in the profession, student loan debts, and in waiting arms of the psychiatric arm of the state. . met with studio professor Lance Lavine and tried conveying my ideas on electricity's role in architecture by showing brochures for American Electric streetlights and comparing theme to the Classical orders of Greco-Roman architecture. I was told 'this is not architecture, this is engineering' in absolute terms. meaning that it had no cultural dimension. ironically, this same teacher publishes a book on Mechanics and Meaning in Architecture from the University Press in 2000, which explores '...technology's role in architecture and, in turn, humanity's understanding of nature." and his work focusses on electrical HVAC systems which would not exist today without electricity and such absolute statements were and are absurd but cannot be challenged, as they are status quo answers beyond questioning, even to this day, as truth is secondary to power in architectural discourse. . during a class presentation, studio professor B. Aaron Parker censored me when saying i could not discuss the electrical distribution 'poles' on my map for my studio project, as they were not architecture. i said they were architecture, and he declared i could not talk about them. This is the map i worked on to show how the electrical distribution grid is an architectural order in the built environment but it was the 'wrong' idea, again... * contextual site map displaying electrical order http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/icons/map.html i left the architectural program after appealing to the Dean that i was being censored, and even had my work ruined when a vandal threw water all over the map. . i went to the office of the Dean of CALA at that time, Harrison Fraker, Jr. and tried to convey my intentions that i was being held back by the educational system. He was unable to help find a way for me to continue my work at the university, and i was handed down to three professors who were also unable to relate to anything i was saying about the electrical infrastructure, computer networks, the Internet, etceteras. Ironically when i asked for Dean Fraker's help, he ended up saying, in effect: there is nothing i can do. i was referred to go to the Independent Study program at the University. It is quite ironic to me that this architectural administrator is now the Dean of the College of Environmental Design at the University of California, Berkeley. it shows how the spirit of freedom of thought of the 1960s student movement in the University has been rolled-back when a helpless Dean now leads a supposedly emancipated school. It is indicative of how radically conservative the architectural profession remains today. HEALTH: frustrated, was told to see a University psychiatrist, which i did to stay in school. i was given medicines such as tranquilizers and anti-psychotics while telling the psychiatrist that what i was attempting to say in architectural school was being censored and unfair. That i was sane, that the teachers would not accept facts into debates, etc. productive period of ascii architecture, where my ideas were not accepted in school, so i put them online, specifically in the design-lit forum from Pennsylvania State University, a list founded by Howard Ray Lawrence and now run by John Young of cryptome.org. My posts on the design-list range from the architectural establishment to my specific ideas on the implicit role of electricity in understanding the built environment and architecture of the present day, including the early Internet. anxiety attack when professor said i could not present my own work in front of the 100 or so classmates. another student presented my work as i had to stand by listening. they didn't even know what my work was about. as i heard them improvise an architectural presentation about it which had nothing to do with what i created, but with what the 'educators' wanted students to hear, see, and believe. i started to hyperventilate and my chest and arms tightened and i ran to the hospital, as i began getting extremely ill from the absurdity of this situation. It was apparent i was the one who did not belong in this system, and could not be made to fit either, as i was too wild, or 'not disciplined' enough. i contacted the Legal Aid society and tried to bring a lawsuit against the University for limiting my ability to speak about my ideas in school. but they said they could not take the case, as it was not clear cut enough. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 2-- INDEPENDENT ARCHITECTURAL RESEARCH ------------------------------------------------------------------------ SPACETIME: 1993, University of Minnesota, Minneapolis, USA Program for Individualized Learning (PIL) EVENTs & ANALYSIS: apply for an Independent Study at the Program for Individualized Learning (PIL) at the University of Minnesota. After three failed attempts to fit my public educational pursuits into the College of Architecture (CALA) `training' environment, it was my last hope to continue my work. As I remember the application was turned down on its own merits. I also was unable to find an academic advisor in the architecture department whom I could work with. Thus, my application was not accepted. * rejected P.I.L. Independent Study application http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/pil/ this meant I had no architectural future in the University and would have to leave it to pursue public research. By doing so, I would be considered crazy, as I was not making 'rational' decisions by continuing this pursuit to my own personal detriment. The atmosphere was one of being perceived by others as not knowing what is 'good for me' and needing bureaucracies to decide what is reasonable for me to be doing, such as working in a Coca-Cola factory. . start researching online, in lieu of being able to pursue my ideas in the local environment, in hopes that somehow i can find a way to continue my education... * first 'Architecture and Electricity' post online http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/texts/alphae.html HEALTH: Without institutional support in an official independent study program, the individual student was prescribed psychiatric medications so to explain 'irrational' behavior in a suitable way to others, i.e., the person is mentally ill for pursuing ideas that the institutions are not ready to accept or allow as legitimate decisions. Thus, the individual learner is cast out of the educational environment, and is on their own. The free pursuit of truth and knowledge in educational disciplines is limited by institutional power and its rote bureaucracy. ~~~ SPACETIME: 1993-1994, University of Minnesota, Minneapolis. enroll in various multidisciplinary classes outside of any formal degree tract, just to learn. EVENTs & ANALYSIS: study Science and the State with professor Donald Geesaman at the Hubert H. Humphrey Institute for Public Affairs, a genuine public philosopher. some essays and ideas that bubbled to the surface of the mind during that influential time include: * Window (1993) http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/dg/window.html * The Spectrum from Truth to Power and Constitutional Relativity http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/dg/spectrum.html * Text to Self (1994) http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/dg/text2self.html * The Architect of Policy http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/dg/policy.html * Being a Student in the Transition http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/dg/dg.html ... some evidence that i was conducting computer searches of public libraries in an effort to find books related to the cultural aspects of technology during this specific period of time, in order to work my way out of the predicament i was inside: * computer search for 'technology' (1993) http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/dg/library.html ... simultaneously take a class on the United Nations with professor Knutson and submit the following paper for a final project which received a nearly failing grade at the time. The paper explored the realm of telecommunications and energy systems in relation to international governance and public representation. * The Architecture of the United Nations (1993) http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/AUN/main.html most of this paper was written to try to explain 'why' one would write such a paper, yet it still was not good enough. ... about this same time i attend a metal sculpture class and design and build two symbolic electrical artifacts: * Electrical Crucifixion (1993) http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/icons/crucifixion.html * Automatic Streetlight (1993) http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/icons/light.html these become foundational for me, by putting the ideas and experience in a tangible form, in relation to the world around me and the world inside me, in conflict. HEALTH: Donald Geesaman was the best teacher i have ever had. a true philosopher. As the question was never answered in advance, and always contemplated again and again. His work influenced me greatly and aided in my 'mental-health' in that he did not treat me as crazy but as someone who was questioning the world around them, the goal of education. This helped me to continue on, despite a threshold that would be with me for years which i could never break through. But the ideas, and the freedom of thinking that Geesaman shared was truly inspirational and i will always admire his humanity and graciousness and daring to think while in the University. his work helped me ground my mind, in the realm of science in relation to art, and thus a good foundation for architectural research. while making sculptures i was given medicines which made me so unstable i would temporarily be unable to see. It was not due to welding, either. i began to feel psychotic and the medicines, for the first time in my life, made me feel suicidal, as they made me feel crazed. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 3-- ASCII ARCHITECTURE ------------------------------------------------------------------------ SPACETIME: online the Internet Design-List, 1993-present EVENTs & ANALYSIS: go online the internet and write about my architectural ideas on the design-list. find others whom are willing to listen and debate the ideas: here are a few posts which reflect the attempt to break down the issues faced when trying to enact institutional change (language, identity, logic, and power): * sample of ASCII architecture online http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/ascii-arch/ write about the experience at the University of Minnesota College of Architecture and Landscape Architecture (CALA) online the design-list: * private public service (1995) http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/texts/service.html receive feedback from professors, students, and professionals that others are experiencing similar limitations, and meet several good friends through this public dialogue. HEALTH: Some ASCII architecture from this time period was kindly published in the book Being On-line, edited by Alan Sondheim, Lusitania press. The academic saga unfolded online and as a result i was in many public debates about architecture, my research, the educational system, and beyond... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 4-- NO IDEOLOGICAL EXIT ------------------------------------------------------------------------ SPACETIME: 1994~1995, Western Europe and back in less than 30 days Amsterdam, Paris, Venice upon returning to the USA i attend a grant-writing workshop and apply for a research grant with the Charles Lindbergh foundation for cultural research on technology. My proposal is declined without comment. EVENTs & ANALYSIS: fly to Europe in search of architecture, and for opportunities to work on architectural research. It is here that i realize the electrical infrastructure is a common, international aesthetic. For example, in Venice, Italy, all the rooftops of buildings hundreds of years old have television antennas atop them. * cover of hand-made book on universal aesthetics (1994) http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/icons/book.html upon returning to the USA i created a handmade book with colored paper and drawings and photographs about the idea of universal aesthetics and its relationship to the electrical infrastructure, which i discovered during my European travels. i used this book as a document to try to logically communicate with my professors, with visual evidence for my public ideas based in fact. again, with no luck. likewise, i realized public utilities and construction sites also shared universal aesthetics via color, material, and form, especially during various stages of a building's construction. This view enables one to relate language with architecture, order, and design. The sum of this work is later exhibited in an online photogallery: * the aesthetics of deconstruction (2000) http://www.architexturez.com/decon/ the common language of construction and demolition across world cultures, which could become the basis for a shared language of design, and of identity. with no money to stay in Europe, and no work for student architectural researchers available, it was necessary to go back 'home' and face the inevitable- being institutionalized as a madman. there was and is no way out of this cultural institutional insanity, only ways deeper into its rotten core. i confide in a friend in Italy that i know if i return i will be electroshocked. cannot avoid returning to Minnesota, and thus face the consequences for not 'obeying the rules' of the authorities of the reigning architectural establishment. HEALTH: absolutely crazed. The complexity of my situation, and seeing no probable way out other than death made me try to escape to Europe, in hopes that i could find something to stop what i foresaw inevitably happening if i should have to return, being labeled crazy, on more and more drugs, and inevitably becoming more and more institutionalized, more and more crazy as i pursue this public work, as there was and is no other possible outcome given the total control over thought in the architectural academy. i could not foresee a life for myself in the USA where i could continue my work and be free, within its system, and within the psychology of culture. becoming confused from being processed in the cultural system for not fitting in, i began to worry i lost control over my limited ability to self-determine my future. instead, i faced the chaos and fury of the status quo, and as a consequence was losing my sense of identity. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 5-- CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT ------------------------------------------------------------------------ SPACETIME: 1994-1995, USA severe psychiatric breakdowns due to complications with prescribed medications, requiring me to hospitalize myself twice to stay alive, as i lose my ability to think rationally due to the enormous pressure, and the hopelessness that nothing can be done to live life outside of the total authority of cultural bondage. EVENTs & ANALYSIS: returning to the USA and i had no other choice but to stop fighting the system and passively accept the label of being 'chronic mentally ill' so as to survive, and have my student debt reduced, and to obtain food, clothing, and shelter by the State of Minnesota. ultimately, i had no other choice than to accept i was 'insane' in order to stay alive, a forced confession so to speak, under duress. Instead, my ideas did not belong 'in the real world' and i was institutionalized in the mental health sector and shunned by former teachers and students as being an aberration as i had failed to change anything, and thus was not fit enough to survive the psychological hazing of architectural 'training'. During this time, US Senator Newt Gingrich publicly declared something to the effect that 'if you are perceived as being mentally ill or disabled, then you are'. so, ethically and morally i used this as my guideline for knowingly choosing to accept this paradoxical label in order to survive, as the reason for my mental illness was others who were labeling me as such, while denying all logic, rationality, reason, facts, and the truth i tried presenting at every possible moment in an attempt to fit into the current system, to help change it for the better, in the public interest. This was a completely coerced confession, else i would never get out of the hospital unless i agreed that i was mentally ill. to stay alive i joined a Mental Health Day Treatment program for roughly one year as a certified schizophrenic while reading Deleuze & Guattari's Anti-Oedipus, Schizophrenia and Capitalism. It became a useful tool, and this psychiatric philosophy, or 'schizo-philosophy', offered a type of liberation-in-waiting from the United Statesian worldview. After several months in Day Treatment it was clear that the only way out of the hospital is through total submission, and fully adopting the identity of being mentally ill, and being process through the mental health system, hopefully to come out on the other side. This involved the death of the ego, and also the conceptual death of the individual as bearer of meaning. The future would bring the altogether unexpected, onward... HEALTH: given pills to control my behavior, and continue trying to work within the system to move the ideas forward. given anti-psychotic medications, i start to feel suicidal beyond my own will. working in Minneapolis in landscaping. have to quit because of side-effects of the psychiatric drugs which try to adapt me into the system. So too, my ability to work is ended when taking psychiatric pills and building boulder walls, as i collapse into a fetal position on the ground while outside working in the sun. i am now totally physically and mentally reliant upon the drugs to determine what i can and cannot do, to the point of complete submission, else there is only suicide. unable to work, have to enter the hospital as a way to stay alive, and ultimately the only choice, in order to continue working on my ideas in the system, becomes ECT... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 6-- THE ELECTROMAGNETIC LOBOTOMY ------------------------------------------------------------------------ SPACETIME: 1993-present, the Internet Design-List reading Sartre's work Being and Nothingness while going into the hospital for ECT. related to ideas of non-being and of an existential process of becoming a self without an identity. post-ECT, it takes 6 years of failure trying to fit back into society that necessitates looking back into these files, in the summer of 2001, to accept the consequences and acknowledge the anger and resentment i have for having to undergo such an event in 'the land of the free'. EVENTs & ANALYSIS: i break down and volunteer for Electroshock therapy, as it is the last thing i can do to try to change my situation. i was not coerced in any way to do this by any individual, but by an entire bureaucratic system which makes the individual conform to its needs, and never adapts to the needs of unique individuals. electroshock therapy is and was *torture* in the sense that it became the only choice for me to survive with my public architectural ideas in a despotic system with a remnant of my self intact, so i was hoping. And a future where i might have a different perspective, due to a mental rebooting which, one must trust, i would rather avoid at any cost besides that of death without ever having lived. During hospitalization i decided to create an e-mail discussion list called e-shock for keeping the ordeal public while institutionalized to undergo electroshock therapy during a two week period. i have hardly any memory of this event, but do remember getting my computer out of a locked area in the nurses quarters (where they kept the medicines and dangerous items) and then unplugging the phone in the hallway and putting my 386sx laptop on a small table or chair and dialing up the Internet to send out semi-weekly messages updating the ongoing events via a 2400 baud modem. * E-Shock mailing list posts (1995) http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/e-shock/ yet, it was not the ECT itself which was the problem, as it did help in some ways to keep the ideas alive. The problem is that electroshock was the ONLY option to continue working on public ideas, that they are considered mentally ill and in need of reform, or, the literal erasure, and rebooting of the brain, so one has to reformulate their whole universe again. Thus, this event finally made me truly insane, as it was pure torture, and i will never recover what was lost in this destructive attempt to heal me of my 'irrational thoughts', judged so as they did not fit into the University system, and i hold the architectural establishment significantly responsible for denying the public pursuit of architectural knowledge, in order to hold onto the truth as they see it, in a privatized authoritarian worldview. HEALTH: frequently nightmares, the memory of electroshock is so disturbing. many nights when falling into sleep, i remember being prepared for ECT when the shock-doc said- 'Let's Turn it (electrical voltage) up this time..."- which filled me with terror as i fell into unconsciousness in the operating room. post-ECT effects include language troubles, damaged memory, social stigma, illegitimacy, prejudice, psychological issues, etc. After shock it becomes impossible to read. often have short seizure-like events with a brain twitch, a miniature seizure where the brain reboots, similar to that which Virilio describes in 'the Aesthetics of Disappearance.' ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 7-- MULTIMEDIATED ARCHITECTURE ------------------------------------------------------------------------ SPACETIME: 1996-1998, move from Minneapolis, Minnesota to San Francisco Bay Area, Northern California, USA EVENTs & ANALYSIS: attend school for multimedia studies and continue to independently research the relationship between architecture and electricity. apply for a grant from Weblab.org for the Architecture of Electricity project run by the former head of the P.O.V. film series in the USA. my work is again turned down for not being what they are looking for in web content, while they promote their service as something to challenge status quo views of things. Apply for a 2 year scholarship to the SFSU Multimedia Studies Program, then directed by Randall Packer. Move to California to attend school and work independently on public ideas i was unable to pursue in architectural school. in my scholarship application i attempted to explain my paradoxical situation: * Multimedia Studies scholarship application (1995) http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/mm/form.html i was grateful to learn many new skills such as digital audio, video, and imaging in a CD-rom based curriculum. later on, i taught myself web skills, and applied all of these newfound skills in producing works online. . As a result of a having time to research, it became possible to develop various aspects of the future Architecture of Electricity thesis for my graduation project. John Young at cryptome.org kindly scanned and posted a document online that i sent out in paper form to dozens of Architectural academics and administrators regarding the research i was developing, and asking for support. i received no replies: * the AE blueprint @ cryptome.org (1997-1998) http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/cryptae/AE.htm The result of this blueprint was an online prototype of an educationally-oriented map of electricity and an electrical cosmology to help explain why one would want to rationally define a direct lineage from the Big Bang to the Internet: * Mapping the Electrical Assemblage (1998) http://www.architexturez.com/mea/mea_m.htm * The Story of Electricity (1998) http://www.architexturez.com/mea/story1/2main.htm my work included 3D computer model of a chess set that i described in the Program for Individualized Learning (PIL) application years before... * Electrical Power System chess set (1998) http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/chess/1.htm upon graduating from school, receive the Robert Bell outstanding achievement award and share my work online the Internet, but still no one in the field of architecture relates to it, and so i accept that i will need to find work in the field of multimedia, and pursue my architectural research on the side. My main goals were to stay healthy and work my way off of public assistance. both of which prove impossible. HEALTH: went dentist, dr. vu, who asked why i had disability insurance. i said i was mentally disabled. all people in the office were screaming or moaning in pain. young and old. i began questioning the work she was doing on my teeth, as she would just start drilling until she hit a nerve, and then i would demand to know what she was doing and i was assured i had severe problems with my teeth. when i told others about my suspicions, i was considered paranoid. So i was silent and accepted that i must be 'crazy' to question this dentist. In the end, i was given 4 unnecessary root canals, none of which the state would pay to cap, so i had teeth without tops, which were severely infected by unhygienic tools and overdoses and subsequent reactions to antibiotics. In an emergency a relative helped pay for me to visit another dentist as i was in so much pain i could not think. today my teeth are still infected and my health never recovered from having the dentist drill on open nerves and misuse of antibiotics. dr. vu left town without a trace after 'mining' my teeth and many other people using the public health system. ~~~ SPACETIME: 1998-1999 EVENTs & ANALYSIS: although displaying skills often much more diverse than most employed in the multimedia industry in San Francisco, i am unable to even get interviews based on my resume and portfolio. So too, my architectural work and research are of no help in obtaining a way out of total dependency and subservience to the statistical ideal of the reigning bureaucratic worldview. develop a portfolio of my digital media skills for showcasing my work skills for potential employers, in an attempt to work my way off of Social Security. My unique generalist skills are not valued in the specialist marketplace. * SITE (going offline) http://www.architexturez.com/site/ as a public service, develop and maintain an online portal and archive of freely available architectural research and theory texts online the Internet in my spare time, while working on my architectural research. It becomes an established site, on the main page of Yahoo, and has 30,000 plus visitors a year. Yet still cannot find work in the profession. * architexturez.com (being transferred) http://www.architexturez.com/ also create an architectural glossary in an attempt to deal with the pervasive architectural issue regarding discourse and language, in an attempt to find a shared meaning. * The glossalalia project (being transferred) http://www.architexturez.com/glossalalia/ both the architexturez and glossalalia projects are being transferred to a team of online collaborators whom will continue to develop the projects for the public domain. HEALTH: a computer grant was facilitated through the Center for Independent Living (CIL) in Berkeley, California, where the disability rights movement began in the USA, including originating the drive for the American with Disabilities Act and advocacy for disabled rights to work. The goal of the computer grant is to work my way off the Social Security system. The mac-clone enables many things, including reentering the workforce as an independent contractor at SFSU's MM and IT Corporate Training program, helping develop their website and strategy part-time, while also continuing my architectural research, which i desperately need to do to keep my sanity. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 8-- ARCHITECTURAL DEBATE (SIC) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ SPACETIME: 1998, the Internet Design-List EVENTs & ANALYSIS: architecture exists online in a way it cannot offline. That is, all of its paradoxes and difficulties cannot be contained in a clean-room environment and philosophical architectures are beginning to form through debates in public forums. There is no 'public' architectural debate, outside the University. But sometimes there is, in some regards, a fish out of water... debated Columbia University's architectural theorist Stephen Perrella in a public forum, the design-list, regarding a Lingua Franca article and the ideas presented therein centering around the idea of 'schizo-philosophy' as employed as a radical politic inside the insular circles of architectural theorists inside the University. i called this an absurd theoretical bluff, in so many words. The result was an exchange in the design-list archives... * debate with spN of Columbia University (1998) http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/debate/ the debate ended, as if it never happened. spN privately said he would send me a copy of his hypersurface book and then offered me a chance to write in his next book. neither of which happened. And both of which seemed like an opportunistic buyout at the time, as he owns access to the press. For me all of this it was an indication that architectural thought today is highly privatized and controlled inside the University, to the point where it is impossible to have an open, public debate, as those in positions of power with total authority over the interpretation of architectural ideology may risk being wrong or having their ideas proven basically unsound. HEALTH: besides the prevailing prejudice about being labeled schizophrenic and thus, all my work being boiled down to firstly being that of a mad person, dangerous even, and most certainly irrational, no matter how logical or rational or reasonable one may be. They are still nuts, then there is 'certainty' of where they fit into the ruling system of order and control over independent thought. these documents are presented to give the reader an opportunity to review architectural discourse outside the institutional walls which confine architectural truth and knowledge. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 9-- SOCIALIZED INSECURITY ------------------------------------------------------------------------ SPACETIME: 1998-2001 Oakland California Social Security Office is rife with clerical errors, lost data, lost files, do not answer phones or return calls, and are chronically overpay, underpay, and at times totally stop payments, canceling my medical insurance, while i try to work my way off of the 'support' system. My PASS Plan for staying employed as a disabled worker was denied by the San Francisco office of Social Security in the heart of the dot-com economy, as they could not comprehend why one would needs a computer at home to work as a web developer and content designer. The representative went hysterical when i tried to describe how the multimedia industry is different from the industrial model of work. To develop content online one needs equipment to do so, and without it, one cannot keep up their skills, stay competitive, and employed. Another example of the frustration with the Social Security bureaucracy is that when i wanted to take on more hours at my job, i was given the name of a contact to call to find out how much i could earn, without losing my insurance, and they never returned my calls after one month of trying to contact them to find out. EVENTs & ANALYSIS: Upon reentering the workforce I contact several Social Security Administration representatives to make the necessary changes in my governmental support. From this point onward, it became impossible to work and maintain my health on Social Security, as i would be underpaid and overpaid and would be in constant crisis while working, and trying to figure out what went wrong with the bureaucracy became my part-time job, as public money was being wasted. Everytime i found the source of the errors, which were entirely caused by Social Security, i would be charged for the mistakes and have been submitting paperwork and resubmitting it for 3 years (they lose it and do not have a central filing system) just to stay employed. This damaged my health, as working became destabilized by trying to get off the system and it became obvious that unless i could work full-time i would end up not able to work at all. which eventually is what has occurred. i have contacted the head of the local Social Security branch, my Senator two times, and others to try to figure what has been wrong. In the end, i was blamed for all of the errors and now am unable to even talk with a representative as i am considered a troublemaker for trying to fix the problem. because i am labeled with a psychiatric disability any challenge to their logic is seen as my illness and i have been retaliated against and discriminated against, so the bureaucratic system can work the way it does without changing, a familiar theme. i was both denied the opportunity to work my way off of the system because of the constant errors in my checks, never knowing if i would be able to pay rent or not while working, as there was an error in my file. And also, after working for one year searching for a computer upgrade with no success, i applied for a savings program but was denied the right to save money for computer equipment to stay independently employed because of systemic ignorance of today's high-tech working world. The Social Security PASS Plan application forms did not relate to the digital media industry i work in, and thus i would have had to lie to get the grant. The bureaucratic representative could not believe that one needs a computer to work as a web developer. Thus, when my only computer was recently hacked and corrupted for good, i was unable to continue working and now am in dire need of a new system to keep working, continue my research, and remain paradoxically sane in an utterly insane environment. i am more disabled since working and being on the Social Security system than i would be otherwise. It has become a trap cannot escape, as everytime i try to get out a problem it takes all my energy to fix, and months pass by... * first public statement on Taking Pills (2000) http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/nettime/pills.html Social Security denies Waiver for overpayment from a mistake 3 years ago that I have worked for 3 years to correct. They review no paperwork, and then tell me i did not provide the data. I believe i am being targeted for speaking up to their system and calling for a review of their procedures to fix the problem, as the public is losing money to a broken system. Have to quit work because computer was hacked and destroyed and health is deteriorating with stress and no future. When recently reporting about my loss of work income, i receive no response after 5 attempts to notify the Administration, but a check for $1.00 US instead of the regular amount arrives, threatening my ability to pay rent. Again, for the 2nd time, Social Security has started the process of taking back money without denying my claim for a waiver or appeal from a problem generated by their system 3 years ago. It is too much for me to handle alone now and i have to ask relatives from out of state to represent me as i can no longer write or talk to them, or write letters, as it is now totally out of control and impossible to keep up with, healthy or severely unwell, as i am now. HEALTH: Develop severe anxiety and panic attacks. Start becoming allergic to all medicines i am put on, where i develop hives and welts under my skin. i am put on different drugs and the same things happen, over and over. As i get sicker and sicker as the stress gets more and more. The oddest coincidence is that every time i was ready to work more hours in an attempt to become self-sufficient something with Social Security would go wrong that would take 3 months to deal with, at which point my health would be worse off, and make it impossible to take on more work as fixing all the problems were a part-time job. The only choices were to remaining living on Social Security with 500 month or so income from working, per month. else, full-time employment. anything inbetween these would mean i would likely lose my housing assistance, health insurance, and supplemental income should i not be able to pay rent. All or nothing. after half a dozen serious efforts to get off of the system, i came to realize this would not happen for me. So i began to restrategize and focus on my research work as my way out of this situation, even though all my work is considered illegitimate. To do this i needed a computer system to both stay employed as an independent contractor and also to do research work online. After a one year search for public grants, it is clear i will not be able to find another computer to stay employed and work on my ideas, and thus stay sane. i apply for a grant from Social Security to save for work equipment but i am refused, as i am employed, and cannot prove i need a computer to do my work online. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 10- ARCHITEXTUALIZING ELECTRICITY ------------------------------------------------------------------------ SPACETIME: Y2K, December 31st 1999 and January 1st 2000 EVENTs & ANALYSIS: finish and publish roughly ten years of independent architectural research on the AE thesis website on Y2K. It consists of roughly 100 screens of information detailing the cultural significance of the electrical infrastructure in architectural terms, for the layperson. * AE public launch announcement (Y2K) http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/texts/aeY2K.html * the Architecture of Electricity (Y2K) http://www.architexturez.com/ae/ A study of the electrical infrastructure compared in relation to classical notions of architecture. at this point it becomes clear that the feedback from JYA of design-l and cryptome.org about addressing the larger issue of electromagnetism and not only electricity is where the future of the architectural research work lies. HEALTH: The only critical feedback on the project received was regarding the lack of a religious perspective on the ideas being presented. upon replying to an e-mail request for why this is so, my work becomes the focus of a well-known religious warrior whom damns my work as that for not addressing this issue. subsequently, i receive e-mail threats, strange phonecalls, and other visitors requiring security measures. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 11- PUBLIC DISINFORMATION ZONE ------------------------------------------------------------------------ SPACETIME: 2000, online the Internet printed in a Hong Kong-based international design magazine. EVENTs & ANALYSIS: no one in the field of architecture or cultural research in the USA will publish nor even read my work, including old student friends, likely for fear of losing expertise over their version of architectural reality, by insulating themselves from uncertainty. Thus, the audience i focus on is everywhere but in the closed system that is today's USA, unable to adapt to the present. The specific circumstances which led up to the AE thesis, that is to say, the story behind the thesis, was left out for the most part, as the reviewers of family and friends did not like the ending. So it was rewritten so as to not mention E-Shock. Yet, without that dimension, it appears just like any other boring work of research, and just another thing, when it has been so highly controversial as to be censored and actively dismissed. Thus, it seems appropriate to put the work in its original context, after having learned that the process of the work is as important as the work itself, in understanding it: * original unedited AE Epilogue (Nov.1999) http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/AE/aftershock.html the 'red' texts were left out of the final version in addition to the images of the electroshock experience because people were so disturbed by how i connected the experiences as a product of the work itself, a connection which i maintain is relevant to this day. After posting the Architecture of Electricity, i wrote a synopsis of the thesis in an essay which is published by Hinge Magazine in Hong Kong in the summer of 2000. * Electromagnetic Architecture (2000) http://www.electronetwork.org/features/essays/ema.htm this gives me great hope in that it is the first time anyone has accepted my work. The article was made to be very palatable to a general audience and yet still is written for architects. This helped me greatly to believe that someday my work may be seen by others, outside the total control over information by architectural institutions in the USA. also write a poem about the end of the public Internet * death of the internetwork (2000) http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/nettime/deathnet.html HEALTH: getting sicker yet, having nightmares often and also panic attacks so badly i cannot go outside at times. suspected of being complications from psychiatric pills i was still able to go to a specialist doctor, whom after months of tests concluded i do have nerve damage which is highly unusual for a 30 year old person, and then said it will only get worse with age. My ability to speak, write, and think rapidly deteriorates, i am dizzy often, off balance like i may fall over, and am now even more fatigued to the point of needing to close my eyes during the daytime, yawning all day, and developing various nervous ticks which appear during times of stress. My request to see a neurologist is denied, as there is not enough evidence i may have some more severe problems. i am told all of my symptoms are that of post traumatic stress syndrome, previously known as 'shell shock.' ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 12- ELECTROMAGNETIC INTERNETWORKING ------------------------------------------------------------------------ SPACETIME: 2000-2001, online the Internet. interest and support for my research work from European and Indian architects EVENTs & ANALYSIS: i am contacted by a Swiss architect and asked to write a proposal for an article in an upcoming special issue of 2G magazine on Architecture and Energy, published in both Spanish and English. This opportunity lets me write thoughts about the larger issues related to the electrical infrastructure as a cultural assemblage and my proposal is accepted. Because of my situation, i am unable to accept payment due to the inevitable loss of housing and healthcare and i am also denied by the Social Security PASS plan the right to save the money i could have made to help buy the computer equipment necessary to stay employed in the multimedia industry, and to continue my work. i rewrite the essay and make it into a website with graphics and animations, non-copyright, and instead have to ask for donations of computer equipment as I cannot risk losing my benefits as i could end up further institutionalized and even homeless due to the many rules that conflict with one another and the bureaucrats that decide the fate of the individual by an illogical economics of institutionalized subservience. During the period prior to launching the project online, my computer comes under attack, and i need to send out the maps i was working on for the project and an essay to make my work public, as i fear that my work may be destroyed before i could get it online. With some luck, and a public presence, i am able to launch the Seeing Cyberspace project online to a few e-mail discussion lists: * Seeing Cyberspace project launched (7/2001) http://www.electronetwork.org/works/seeing/ after publishing the full-text essay on a three e-mail discussion lists, there is a large response from the .mil, .edu, .com, .eu, .org, and .int domains. It is again ironic that so many people "on the job" from high-profile domains are visiting a mentally insane, college dropout's work, and makes one wonder why they are visiting. As i am not getting any better, and weird things are now happening with my computer and website... * interesting visitors during June-July 2001 http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/energy/visitors.html it then becomes clear i am under cultural attack, not by any one person, but by a United Statesian cultural ideology that cannot deal with ideas it does not condone... it seems i am becoming a terrorist for 'thinking differently' in my own country, and being terrorized for using my rights as a public citizen... HEALTH: within hours of posting to the 50 person electronetwork-list at openflows.org, the USAF central command and LLNL.gov is at the site. Cryptome.org is the first website to publicly publish the url online. 2G magazine (Spain) publishing in print an earlier essay from late 2000 in a special issue on Architecture and Energy. paranoia in the extreme sets in. not that it is delusional. But that the stress makes everything suspect, and it is hard to trust anything. memory starts to blank out and nerves fire repeatedly as i hang on during major storms in the mental atmosphere, which have not subsided for months now. a type of global warming of the brain, it is. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 13- THE PURGING OF PUBLIC DISSENT ------------------------------------------------------------------------ SPACETIME: 1999-2000, california & online the Internet openflows.org volunteers to host the electronetwork-list and so it continues today thanks to their collaborative support ab-a.net takes over managing the architexturez-list and keeps it online, which is greatly appreciated EVENTs & ANALYSIS: post ideas critical of US Administration' s Energy Policy online and have several ongoing problems, which completely destroy my ability to continue working and i feel unable to do anything more to try to change what is happening... * TV Ads on Election Night (11/2000) http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/energy/adverts.html * US Tax Cut = Energy Bailout (2/2001) http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/energy/bailout.html * US Energy Policy (6/2001) http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/energy/policy.html two Topica.com discussion lists i manage, the electricity-list and architexturez-list, totaling about 120 listmembers, shut down 'for spamming'. every time i try to send e-mail to the two lists, my e-mail client, Microsoft Outlook Express, swears at me with an error message, saying "Stop Fucking Spamming", or something similar, and stops my posts from being sent off my machine, to the lists. My dial-up IP address is then blackholed so that i cannot even send e-mail to topica.com to let them know what has happened to try to fix the situations. next, one definite act of physical surveillance is noted, where a private website with logfile monitoring is visited by a company whose business sign i was looking at while outside having a cigarette late at night. i wake from sleep the next morning to find this company has visited my private website, an event so statistically improbable that i can only assume that i am under some kind of surveillance from across the city street. computer is then hacked into and the soon to be launched electronetwork.org website defaced. web server e-mail being monitored, as accounts which post with at random have long download times (several minutes) while non-accounts on same ISP have no delay. It is evident e-mail is being read as weird e-mails arrive on mailing lists and in the guise of spam referring to private conversations and data from both work and home, on the telephone and online the Internet. Computer is being remotely manipulated with icons moving and screen resolution changed, etc. 200mb of information on disks is lost as a direct result of the attack, including all hyperlinks to online resources for electromagnetism related to the launching the electronetwork project. All passwords are corrupted. even my PDA repeatedly breaks during these very strange events. In sum, this hack attack stopped all work on the larger electronetwork.org project, dead on arrival, as it never launched, when it was planned to, in Spring 2001. * The welcome hack (6/2001) http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/energy/welcomehack.html * system corrupted (7/2001) http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/energy/corrupted.html * use caution pursuing EM (7/2001) http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/energy/caution.html * the welcome mat (7/2001) http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/energy/welcomemat.html my computer is now ruined. The hard drive is corrupted , even after reformatting and zeroing all data. All programs are corrupted even after reinstalling. All programs crash, as if they are being shut down from afar at the most inopportune times... i tried for 1 year to get grants for a new computer and was unable to. So now i am without the tools i need to work. something very fishy is going on, and it seems that the privatized bureaucratic democracy is breeding fascist elements that are shutting down any dissenting opinion in order to establish total control... regardless of democratic law or individual human rights, `even in (the United States of ) America'. HEALTH: Under attack, fearing censorship and loss of project data, decide to circulate the maps being developed for the Seeing Cyberspace project, to go public with the ideas, as i fear my work will be deleted by online vandals. Send 4 maps about creating a Public Energy Policy to 100 news organizations and government officials and receive no response whatsoever. initially no one in the local believes what is going on until i show them the cumulative evidence of weirdness with my computer, website, logfiles, and e-mails. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 14- SEEING NO CHANGE ------------------------------------------------------------------------ SPACETIME: 1999-2000, San Francisco, California due to the chaos experienced, and having tried everything within my abilities to survive, it has become necessary to 'go public' with this story, as a public autobiography of facts and events related to working on public ideas which challenge the status quo, and do not receive any support, but also, now, which are under active attacks which are trying to shut me down by ruining my equipment, my health, and my ability to continue on like this... EVENTs & ANALYSIS: i try one last time to fit into the system. There was a position for a content developer at Sea-Change, a George Soros funded organization for social entrepreneurs. It is based on the concept of using private capital and resources to serve the public good. highly-qualified, i was passionate about working with them as a content developer, and also applying for a grant as a social entrepreneur. i never got interviewed for the job. nor an e-mail after twice querying the status of my application. It was as if i never sent in my application, essays, urls, and ideas they requested. It was as if i did not even exist, although i knew i was the one for the job. It is what i believe in. instead, looking on their website two months later i find that an editor from a well-known non-profit is selected whose skillset seems to match only 10% of the job description, whereas my skillset matched more like 90% of the qualifications. That was my job, and i didn't even have a chance of getting it, for reasons i have tried to not accept as true. The result is writing this story as an alternative. i tried to fit in, and, well, it didn't work. So i'm changing strategies now. The wealthy and powerful executives of many a corporation lead this effort to enact social change, to change things for the better. private industry in service of the public. a great but very troublesome idea that could work, if its paradoxes were acknowledged and dealt with openly. That is to say, that the social goals are public goals, not those of private industry. This is an essay i wrote for their writing sample on the idea of philanthropists funding public social entrepreneurs: * social venture capital (3/2001) http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/change/ at the same time i applied for a grant as a social entrepreneur. My computer being recently hacked and barely operable, i decided it was time for me to tell the truth, or my side of the story, that of a public citizen who was working on public ideas on their own, without any resources, and who would be able to make significant progress with these goals if given a chance, and some support. i was ready to make things happen. The fighting spirit was still alive, even though i was under attack for my ideas online and off. After one month of filling out and then revising the online application, the answer to my initial question as to whether or not one has to be a legal nonprofit is answered contrary to a previous answer e-mailed to me, and my application was instantly null and void. i need to be a business, they now said with an apology, to be a social entrepreneur. In addition to this 'my story' was critiqued as not being relevant to being a social entrepreneur. As it was my personal experience. not about the social entrepreneurial ideas, but about me as a specific and discrete individual. i wrote back to SeaChange stating that i am my ideas, and these are public ideas. They are human ideas, and not just private aberrations. It is so odd to know that others can dismiss as irrelevant the lived experience. what is a social entrepreneur if not first an authentic individual human being? my answers to both 'obstacles encountered' and 'major risks' were viewed as `out of bounds,' it seems. This act of turning away from the truth, from seeing a human being who is dying for their beliefs, for the pursuit of the public good, to be simply dismissed away, even while this life form is in such a precarious position as to be on the verge of extinction, and to do nothing but turn away-- it is unconscionable and a horror that our hypocritical societies of bureaucratic democracies look the other way, as a holocaust of human rights is now underway reenacted by the machinery of the world estate. * feedback on SeaChange application (7/2001) http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/nochange/ request to be taken off of San Francisco based Creative Disturbance website project for funding artists. having received no responses for the year my work was on the site, and seeing conservative, institutional projects get profiled, I asked for removal. vetted as to why by the director Mark Beam, i respond that i do not want my work affiliated with an institution that does not serve me. i do not believe in that the work of creative disturbance is funding is anything that is challenging to the status quo, but only what the reigning marketplace wants to legitimate. HEALTH: Need to cancel my work contract because my health has declined. Not having an operational computer, and no upgrade path, all work has ceased. can no longer work on the Electronetwork.org project until getting new, non-corrupted, working equipment. health plummets as stress level goes higher and higher, to the point where i cannot even function, such as writing or talking. And a rational paranoia sets in, as disparate coincidence becomes concerted probability. between being sick and having my computer broken, i am no longer able to work, as an employed disabled worker nor on my own research. This inability to communicate online has been my last hope to move these public ideas forward. And now i can no longer even do graphics on my machine, only the most basic e-mail, and even that is now barely operable. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 15- THE LAST OF THE FREE RADICALS ------------------------------------------------------------------------ SPACETIME: 2001- leaving Alameda, Calfornia, USA on a journey to Montréal, Québec, Canada when an individual can no longer act with reason, with common sense logic, with truth of intersubjective facts, with generalist knowledge of several crucial subjects, and be denied the right to even exist, then, something is wrong, as one cannot be free if they are only considered insane because a bureaucracy has labeled them as such. freedom is replaced by bondage, and as the cancer of a closed and arch-conservative cultural order, all they can do is disappear, die. And if they refuse, they are punished, until they submit. And give away the last remnants of their mind, of their body, to a machinic desire to destroy all difference by denying any similarity between human beings, and our shared public endeavor. The public health system in the USA has actively helped to kill me. And ignored all evidence that it has done more harm than good. The teachers in architecture school made sure i was seeing a psychiatrist when they abused their power by denying all truth which refuted their subjective beliefs. i got pills and they got their paychecks and tenure. This too will change. i am no longer going to accept that individuals who are in positions of power are not responsible for their actions. i hope they will change, or leave the University and give someone else the chance they have denied others. EVENTs & ANALYSIS: a free-radical is a highly-reactive atom with an unpaired electron which is associated with causing cancer, as it can disrupt the way things ought to work when they are healthy. So too, in a political sense, a free radical could be someone operating within a conservative environment where the traditional order rules, so much so that it may refuse to change, adapt, and evolve so that it can stay 'healthy'. To survive, it needs to make sure the potential causes of its cancer go away, permanently, if at all possible. * architecturalizing fascism (2000) http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/texts/theo_arch.html * American Ruins (2001) http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/texts/ruins.html taken to the extreme, traditional ideas can hold back the new, and create a tension that will eventually be released, through war, art, and ideas. Whenartists and thinkers and their ideas become 'the enemy' and terrorize the status quo, then it is an age-old sign that freedom is in jeopardy, and the ancient and repeating battle is once again going to be played out on a grand scale. The most dangerous thing in this environment is not that of an ideological 'opinions' demanding change, for every ideology can and will eventually be controlled. Instead, it is ideas, the freedom to think and interpret which becomes the greatest danger, as Victor Hugo shared. It is in our ability to think freely, to question, and to rethink our positions that enables us to change. When we cannot, then, the predictable will happen again and again, looping back on itself... * ~~~ fascist network rising ~~~ (June 2001) http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/texts/fascistnet.html it is this dangerous fact which is being denied in the current cultural order of United Statesism and its world picture. one of the most disturbing events of my life was watching this years Fourth of July parade outside my apartment on the main street of the small island city where i live. When i saw everyone participating in the parade, which each year gets more and more surreal in the commercial sense, i realized this was no longer my country, nor were the rights nor independence celebrated mine, as they were not only actively denied me, but that in a very specific sense, my ideas are considered a threat, an enemy of the status quo that celebrates the country in its current form. And it made me fear, not the powerful, for they are truly weak. It made me fear the masses in the bureaucracy whom have to follow the rules to survive, as they are the first to uphold the skewed ideology of a broken system. i no longer feel safe living in the USA, as it is now but a remnant of an idea, now only an ideology that could instead be called the United States of Apathy or Amnesia or Armageddon. whatever one calls 'US' one thing is clear, this land is not my land, and this land is not free. And the blood of our ancestors which fought to rescue this same idea, this same dream, from its somatic incarceration from an unimaginative, totally manipulative, and undemocratic bureaucratic machine of the industrial mindset. With this sensation in my heart, i wrote the following e-mail to the nettime-list... * declaration of Interdependence (July 2001) http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/texts/interdependence.html as an individual human being, and as a part of the human community, i demand to see radical change in my life. i will serve no institution which does not serve me, as a human being. i will not worship 'false profits' in the guise of doing good, being right, decent, and fair. The rules have changed my friends. The logic has changed. And now, those who oppress yet deny, and continue to hold back change, the ideas and actions which are needed to change the world for the survival of our human republic, will have hell to pay... let loose the dragons, and the world will be in flames. credit, whether private money, stature, or status, is no good in a human economy which values public deeds and actions more than selfish greed, and world class ego building through cultural pyramid schemes. those who sentence those who dissent this insane system to absolute cultural death will now face the same bureaucratic machinery as it strips away the power of the despots whose individual power holds back the rights of the human public. you, the Inquisitor, will need to conform to a reality not of your own making, nor under your own control or authority. You will be humbled at the power of freedom, of imagination, and love, which rebels against you and your ignorance. You have chosen to fight a war over ideas, which you can win only by destroying democracy. And we will not allow this to happen, for just as our ancestors fell to their knees, bloody and full of holes, in a pain greater than any individual can bear alone, so too, in this our first Civilian World War (CWW) you should now prepare yourself to meet your fate, which you have chosen for yourself, apart from the rest of the human community. This land, the Earth, is our land, this land, the Earth, is free. This land is sacred, and you defame it. And you defame those who want to protect it, and ourselves. You will be brought to your knees, until you kiss the ground and join us. . In the moments before my trip to Canada, to look for work, i am captivated by an artist's painting at a streetfair outside my apartment, during the weekend i am writing these last words of this autobiography of madness. The painting i saw sums up every complex emotion i feel, every thought i have but cannot convey. It is a painting by Cherokee artist and Vietnam veteran John Balloue of an Indian warrior with their flag, standing infront of the American flag, * * * Home of the Brave * * * http://www.finecraftgalleries.com/shell&stone/brave.htm this painting conjures deep emotional pains of being an individual human being living within a United Statesist worldview. The ideas i love and honor are not those of a specific nation, but of a land of freedom, of the body and the mind. Yet the world remains blatantly unjust, as people continue to be processed into cultural extinction, the wilderness within us all paved over with an ideology of fear not freedom, hypocrisy not democracy, and murder not love. The United States i will always cherish, honor, and be a part of is the United States of Humanity. It is an idea about a world that is free, which cherishes memory, and fights for the liberation of the unique qualities of all people equally. we are not machines alone. We are beings, with infinite desires. But today, we are nothing but tools of an Automated State of Madness. a place where thinking freely, and being different, is to risk becoming a terrorist and an enemy of the fascist bureaucratic world estate. fellow humans. i need your help. let's work together with our unique skills, and fight for our human right to be free... --first we take Montréal... HEALTH: physical health is deteriorating from stress and ability to communicate has become severely limited, as more stress agitates symptoms of illness, including hives, exhaustion, not being able to stay awake, confusion, dizziness, etc. Have welts and hives and antibiotics. making me sicker. Mental Health medicines are making me sicker. am on the verge of institutionalization and cannot accept this as a valid option. I cannot go through this scenario again, and survive. I am losing my ability to act, and my mental capacity by the day. No computer, I cannot work, on my ideas, to keep me sane, nor for employment to work my way off the system, which has proven impossible. Have an ear infection and am given an antibiotic. due to earlier medical malpractice, my immune system cannot accept the drug and i go into severe shock, an almost autistic state of not being able to communicate. i am nauseous for one month. sick feeling day and night. cold sweats. collapse in the middle of the night. Have blood in my system. total fatigue. Can no longer work. Can no longer speak. Can no longer write. Can not write a check or an e-mail. Unable to understand anything. Can no longer read. Unable to comprehend the idea of cooking food. Unable to get bread to eat. Not able to bicycle to the grocery, as my eyes cannot look straight ahead. They are blitzing all over the place. Unable to stand up, so dizzy. No longer able to do regular chores such as washing dishes and cleaning. overwhelming stress. massive fatigue. Paranoia Unable to concentrate. extreme toxicity lasts the full month of July, an event i have never experienced nor could i imagine such symptoms possible in one bought of illness. My immune system is damaged and i am ill all of the time now. That much is evident. The public health system says i am not ill as my blood tests do not have all factors wrongs, to be classified as an illness. So this must just be in my head. But i can no longer go along with this charade. As i am dying, my heart is dying in this fascist state of turning away from the truth and instead towards the certainty of self-deceit. i am insane, of course, so i don't know any better. But, i know this. if i continue to stay in this bureaucratic system i will soon die, as my body and my mind have already been crushed beyond any hope of recovery. But my spirit cannot be destroyed by this insane bureaucratic democracy, by the false-freedom of conforming or being punished, one in the same thing. No. freedom rings. hear the bells, they are calling us to gather... we must meet soon as time has already run out, and thus we need to utilize a human psycho-logic to wormhole our way back into our shared nonexistent future... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 16- GOALS FOR TODAY ------------------------------------------------------------------------ SPACETIME: 2001, Alameda, Calfornia, USA to Montréal, Québec, Canada 30,000 feet, 500 mph, with nowhere to land EVENTs & ANALYSIS: i am visiting Montreal, Quebec, Canada, looking for work as a public researcher, and support for my work through grants, or government or educational research positions. Goal: Livable income Goal: part-time employment Goal: Quiet workspace Goal: Sufficient health care Goal: Dual-citizenship Goal: Telecommuting to work Goal: Relocate to Montreal Canada Goal: Computer equipment for work Goal: Tools and equipment for research Goal: Grants for public works projects Goal: Financing for Electronetwork.org contact me via e-mail if you are willing and able to contribute to this public research effort so as to freely educate the citizenry with ideas that can help facilitate peaceful and rapid change through our abilities to work together on shared goals. brian thomas carroll human@electronetwork.org independent researcher, content designer, strategist please support the electronetwork.org project http://www.electronetwork.org/support/ . please send help as soon as possible. We need to organize the public to avoid the catastrophe looming on the horizon. people do not have to die. We can change the system peacefully. We must. We have no other choice, as wars cannot solve this problem. And the real war will be on democracy, and our freedom to dissent and to work together for change... there can be large-scale cultural change for a sustainable and democratic human future. And your contributions and collaborations are critically needed to make this possible. looking forward to working with fellow humans in serving the needs of the public. into the future... where we meet again. HEALTH: To be determined... currently very ill. i believe this can change but not in the current circumstances, which is what has made me write this story out, as it is the first time, and the last time, i will be able to tell this story. Because i no longer accept that i am the one who is insane and who needs to change. i defy this label. i am a human being who is unique. As is everyone. And it is the system of power and control over ideas that has to change. i will not serve any institutions which do not serve me back, as a human being. In frankenstein, the monster is a result of a doctor and machinery of the state which made the madness manifest within the individual. It is time to treat the causes of our cultural ailments, not just the symptoms of our cultural dis-ease. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ return to Electromagnetic Internetwork http://www.electronetwork.org/ no copyright. public domain. 2001 _______________________________________________ Nettime-bold mailing list Nettime-bold@nettime.org http://www.nettime.org/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/nettime-bold